This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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