i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
