I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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