I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
