Where is the hickey?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
