I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
