i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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