I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
