Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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