So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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