my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
