the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he shaved USA in his pubs
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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