guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I hope mine doesn't look like that
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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