Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
