I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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