If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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