she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
