At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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