So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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