Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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