Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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