All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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