Where did you get a picture of my penis
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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