The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
