last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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