Everything about him screamed your future.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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