the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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