This is not my ceiling
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
