Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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