i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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