so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
