When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you have to choose: penises or morals?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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