Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
