i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
