I think im going to throw up on grandma
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
