The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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