dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
