benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
