I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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