he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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