This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
