what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Randomize
