Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
