i just had sex bonerless
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Randomize