Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
