Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
