Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So much Jack, so little girl.
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