I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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