I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize