$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
