Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Less talking, more tequila
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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