Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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