Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
