I threw up into my coffee this morning.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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