I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
COCAINE IS GR8
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
