so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
