she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
bring money and cleavage
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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