It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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