Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
