I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
